until then...

AGAIN...a GLOOMY day yesterday..

The feeling was indescribable..mixed emotions surged from my heart. It was really painful. It's like i have lived in a dream world where everything seems to be ok but yet one day the make believe had to end.

The world of fantasy started two years ago. After longing for someone to love and care for, i said to myself, finally, maybe this is really meant to be. It was days before Christmas. That day was special. At long last, God gave me what I was looking for.. a handsome man near my age, single, gentleman and a very sweet guy.. it seems that it all happened by chance.. and all was fine. The kiss gave me a hint that he loves me. Truly, he completed me from that day on..

Inseparable we were, I find myself falling for this guy head-over-heels! No matter how I tell myself not to, my heart says it's ok..let it be.. embrace the feeling..the used-to-be iron-willed girl that I was had become softhearted, beyond doubt, he changed me.. The days went by fast, i can still recall the places we've been.. all was perfect but sooner that i realized, i was gripping it..

Fight. tension. anxiety. tears. jealousy. hopelessness. anger. pain. --all these feelings arose. but i'm proud to say that even we had gone through a lot of misery, i kept on holding on. because even if my mind says it's time, the heart shouts otherwise.. everyday i cry, to the point that he doesn't care about it anymore. Maybe he's just tired of seeing me like that but this I say, every tear that poured down from my eyes implies that i was hurting inside.. there's only so much i can take..

At this point in time, i am in a stage of denial. i reject the distressing feeling. but I am not in any way reluctant to tell the whole world what I'm going through. The fact that i'm well aware that i need a support group now, i know whatever happens tomorrow, they are still there. will never go. not like him..

Until then..

in my heart, he'll always be my baby..

[ 4:09 PM ]

until then...

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